Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize