Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
