I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
