I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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