i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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