My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
