I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
