The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
