I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
