hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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