Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
