What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
