I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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