i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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