It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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