Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
