Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
