So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
