you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
