Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize