in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
