I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
