I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
