dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
