i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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