i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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