my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
