i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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