Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This house was built for laser tag.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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