She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dignity is for republicans.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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