Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
