i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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