yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
