I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
