I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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