Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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