Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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