Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
