I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i came on her dog
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize