it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i love accidental penises.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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