Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
