I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
