Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
