You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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