My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
