Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
