R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
