Soap is not a condiment
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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