I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
