Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
