I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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