just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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