Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I look better un-naked...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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