Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
