i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
