We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
