my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
