Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
