i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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