He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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