So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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